Number One Idiot of 2006

 I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at

 the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset

 because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly

 reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need
 to
 bring her

daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the

 conversation

 happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant  poison to

 eat in order to kill the ants.I told her that she better bring her

 daughter into the

 emergency room right away.

 Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

> >  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
  Number Two Idiot of 2006

 Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to

 steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in

 getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a

 float on the river,they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards

 them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency

 locator

beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer

employed at Boeing.

 Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
> > >~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Number Three Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the

 Branch and wrote, "Put all your muny in this bag." While

 standing in line,waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to
 worry

that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police
 before
 he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and

 crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes
 in

 line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and,

 surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the

 brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept

 his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America

 deposit slip and  that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo

 deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated,
 the
 man

 said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was

waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  Number Four Idiot of 2006

 A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that;

 measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later

 received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead
 of
 payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several> days
 later, he received a letter from the police that contained

 another

 picture,

 this  time of handcuffs.

He immediately mailed in his $40.

 Wise guy........ But you still get a sign

> >   ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Number Five Idiot of 2006

 A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun

 and demanded all of

  the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the

 cash in a bag,

  the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind

  the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as

  well,

  but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are
 over
  21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to

  him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his

  driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to

  the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in

 fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber
 

 the

  robber two hours later.

  This guy definitely needs a sign.

> >  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Idiot Number Six of 2006

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop

  nervously waving revolvers.

 The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner

  moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

  This guy doesn't even deserve a sign

> >  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 Idiot Number Seven of 2006

 Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly.

  He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store

  window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and

 heaved

it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking

  him

  unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.

  The whole event was caught on videotape.

  Yep, Here's your sign

  (Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)

 

 

HERE ARE A FEW FACTS AB0UT KiSSiNG THAT EVERY0NE SH0ULD KN0W ..


-- People with crooked teeth usually KiSS BETTER than people with straight teeth ..



-- When you chew gum before you kiss,, it actually makes your breath SMELL WORSE than before because of your salivary glands ..

// Mints work MUCH better.

`*GUYS;: It is much more ROMANTiC to kiss us in a fancy restaurant or UNDER THE STARS than to kiss in your disgusting bedroom or in the movie theaters


`*GiRLS;: Just because a guy kisses you every 10 minutes doesn't mean he`s using you ..he's just a little horny ;) && there`s no problem with that !!!



-- It has been PR0VEN that when people with the SAME HAiR C0L0R kiss, it is more R0MANTiC than that of a different hair color !!!

[( WE D0NT KNOW WHY )]


-- your FiRST KiSS isnt always your BEST KiSS


-- If you can tie a KN0T in a CHERRY with your tounge, it doesn't mean you are a good kisser .. it just means your TOUNGE MUSCLE is strong


-- ALL GiRLS are NOT hoes, and ALL GUYS are NOT PLAYERS .. EVERYONE gets a LiTTLE H0RNY sometimes




BE A GREAT KiSSER W/ THESE TiPS

-- T0UCH HiS/HER FACE

-- RUN Y0UR FiNGERS THR0UGH HiS/HER HAiR

-- KiSS S0FTLY AT FiRST, THEN APPLY M0RE PRESSURE

-- H0LD Y0UR KiSSiNG PARTNER

ARIES You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically
>you don't give a fuck about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't
>care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding
>
>TAURUS Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on
>well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear
>underwear and you constantly smell of piss.
>
>GEMINI Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply,
>you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real fucking weirdo, the type of person
>who'd kill them self to win a bet.
>
>CANCER You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making
>money. You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative's limbs to
>buy a mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered. 
>
>LEO The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try
>anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and
>will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare.
>
>VIRGO You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But
>you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are
>usually queers and the majority of Virgo women are whores.
>
>LIBRA You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you
>an asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of
>you. Nobody will go to your funeral.
>
>SCORPIO You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these
>are your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your
>nose. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet.
>
>SAGITTARIUS You are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of
>the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. Men even
>willing to rent Sleepless In Seattle to increase your odds for a romp in
>the sack.
>
>CAPRICORN You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A
>mean self-centered cunt and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is
>probably an altar boy.
>
>AQUARIUS You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the
>legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a
>transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet
>tights.
>
>PISCES You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You
>have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider
>you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a
>prick.
>
>

Scorpio
 Date of Birth: 11/11


Today, LISA, someone might ask you what you're up to or what you're thinking about. Scorpios often think about things that are often inaccessible to most people. Today it will be as if you have gone totally inside yourself on your quest for answers to your spiritual questions or to the secrets of life. Just tell that person you are trying to rest, as they probably won't understand what you're thinking about anyway...

THIS  SAYS IT ALL: Time passes. Life  happens. Distance separates. Children grow  up. Jobs come and go. Love waxes and wanes. Men  don't call when they say they will. Hearts  break. Parents die. Colleagues forget  favors. Careers end.                BUT.......... Girlfriends are there, no  matter how much time and how many miles & years are between you. A girlfriend is never farther  away than needing her can reach. When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have   to walk it by yourself, your girlfriends will be on the valley's rim,   cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for  you, intervening on your  behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end.   Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you.   Or come in and carry you out. Girlfriends, daughters, daughter-in-laws, sisters,   sisters-in-law, mother, mother-in-law, aunties, nieces, cousins, and  extended family, bless our life! The  world wouldn't be the same without them, and neither would  I. When  we began this adventure called womanhood, we  had no idea  of the incredible joys or sorrows  that lay ahead.  Nor did we know how much we would need each other. Every  day, we need  each other still. Pass  this on to the women who help make your life  work.   I just  did.

Scorpio
 Date of Birth: 11/11


Love and romance blossom as a current or potential love partner comes on really strong with passionate demonstrations of affection. This person could have a lot to say to you, LISA, which might catch you by surprise. In the past, communicating may not have been this person's strength, but now it's like there's no stopping the flow of words. Listen, and guard your responses. You'll need to think about what is being said.

25 Things a Wife would say in a "perfect world!* 1) I'll swallow it all...I love the taste!

2) Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3) I'm bored. Let's shave my pussy!
4) Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
5) That was a great fart! Do another one!
6) I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
7) You're so sexy when you're hungover.
8) I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
9) Let's subscribe to Hustler.
10) Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
11) Say, let's go to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
12) I'll be painting the house.
13) I love it when you play golf on Sundays, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday, too.
14) Honey, our new neighbors 16 year old daughter is sunbathing again, come see!
15) I know it's a lot tighter back there, but would you please try again?
16) No, No, I'll take the car for an oil change.
17) Your mother's is way better than mine.
18) Do me a favor...forget the stupid Valentines day thing and buy yourself some new clubs.
19) I understand fully...our anniversary comes every year for christ's sake, you go hunting with
     the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
20) Oh come on.. what do you say we get a good porno movie, a case of beer, a few joints
     and have my friend Bridget over for a threesome!
21) Not the fucking mall again... come on let's go to the new strip joint!
22) Listen, I make enough money for the both of us--why don't you retire and get that
     nagging golf handicap down to a 7 or 8.
23) You need your sleep...stop getting up for the baby's night feedings.
24) If I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I am going to explode!!
25) I signed up for aerobics so that I can get my
    ankles behind my ears for you!!